Juezdog Kane
NOTE: Please make sure to read the previous entry about the Reina Competition as well.
One quick thing I forgot to add, and I am not really entirely sure how I forgot to add it. Before the whole competition started Shatner introduced each of the three judges. Thus he started off with the beautiful Reina de Ibarra who is known worldwide for making men crumble to their knees. Then the proud uncorrupt consulate of Ibarra who has dedicated years of his life to service or our great city. Then WorldTeach volunteer and English Professor Kane Russell. After each announcement the chosen person got to stand up and turn around to wave to the crowd. When Paulina got up everyone went nuts. The counsulate not so much. After announcing my name? Have you ever been in a room filled with girls waiting for a celebrity to enter and then he finally does? I would say I got a pretty equal reaction. Why? No clue. Probably because half of the people had never seen a white person before. Maybe the reaction was less akin to Brad Pitt walking into a room and more to do with a mouse streaking across the floor. Maybe it was both. Whatever the reason the ovation was extremely kind and as I waved and smiled I even got to see my face up on the big screen.
Ah the big screen live feed. Might have to say that it topped the list of why I found myself chuckling as I lay in bed to go to sleep. There is a columnist for ESPN who describes the ¨1-10 Unintentional Comedy Scale.¨Basically this scale describes events where people are trying to be serious, but end up creating high comedic moments. Shatner doing beauty contests probably comes in at a 5.5. A spanish speaking Shatner probably near a 6. The Unintentional Comedy Scale even has room for people who are trying to be funny, absolutely bomb, and because they bomb so bad somehow you can find humor in it. Chevy Chase´s performance at Princeton´s class day would be a phenom example. Anyway, the camera man filiming the live feed was jaw droppingly out of this world unintentionally funny. I´ll explain.
First was the look on his face. This gent was probably five foot five and normal looking by most Ecuadorian standards. However, when he was filming his face would transform into this look of ohmygod I am shooting Oscar winning cinemetography right now. One eye shut and toungue pierced in his mouth like Charlie Brown drawing a picture of the little red headed girl. Each time he would capture an image his body would transfix itself into a motionless freeze of capturing glory. He might as well have been having relations with Madonna. Secondly were the subjects that the guy captured. He probably spent over half the show panning the audience for hot girls. This intensive search usually found its way to the Reina of Ibarra. Once captured from afar (a shot that included old Kane chuckling like a little schoolboy as he took in these events), he would then pan in to get a close up shot. Slowly slowly he woudl drift right onto the girl´s face until he had the shot he wanted: a perfect glowing shot of every gland, pore, blackhead, nose hair, and eyeball sandman booger. Probably the most unflattering shot a girl could ever ask for. This guy made it a point to give people the high definition shot of hot chick´s imperfections. Plus he would leave the camera on their face about three minutes past the casual smile and laugh shot that people feel comfortable giving. Afterwards it was basically ¨oh man when is this guy going to move on. Hah this is uncomfortable. Wow dude holy crap get that thing away from my face.¨Thank god he had a thing for girls, and left us guys alone. I might have punched him in the teeth.
Back to the competition. The first girl to come out was a beautiful young girl, with a fresh face, and the best dance moves. Kind of felt that she didn´t command the room, didn´t hold her poses, and rushed her intro. Girl #2 is shy beyond belief, but makes nice attempts to smile at the audience. Girl #3 is the most beautiful-tall, curvy, skinny, full black hair, but does little to work the runway. Girl #4 has the least personality and looks the least happy to be at the contest. Gilr #5 has the most personality but lacks in outright drop dead gorgeous beauty. Girl #6 is taller than Shatner, skinny, but also shy. Did I really just write that last paragraph? What is a man to do? I ask Paulina what to grade them on. She reminds me to just do what they invited me for. Judge who is the prettiest girl. Again I ask myself if I am actually making all of this up. Thus after round one I give all the girls pretty equal scores, with girl #1, #3, and #6 reveiving the highest. After all if there is one thing I can definitely do, it´s decide if a girl is pretty or not.
After the opening entrance we bring out the mariachi´s. Nothing really extremely memorable, save for the fact that the guy on the left is as tall, and has a dead ringer haircut to be Frankenstein. Paulina asks me if I think they are good. I am honest and tell her that they are solid, but that I have heard better. They labor through a couple songs, and finish with a pretty dynamite closer. You got to love bands that warm up and get better as their set pushes through. Maybe they were going to open with Hips Don´t Lie, got flustered when they heard Shatner introduce the song, fought with each other to decide their new opening number, couldn´t decide, and thus had to scrap their whole routine for the closing number. Or something.
I take a quick glance at my scoresheet. Traditional dress is up next. Shatner looks pissed off. He hates the traditional dress part of the competition you can tell. However he fires everyone up about the mariachi trio and how they did such a great job of setting the mood for the traditional dress portion of the pageant. Girl #1 comes out after four minutes of Shatnerisms describing the beauty, tradition, and glory of Ibarra´s heritage. She is wearing a full green dress. She kind of reminds me of the Chakita banana lady. She is holding a fan that she works while jumping up and down like a girl in clogs. I instantly give her a 4. Excellent job. This round transpires similar to the first one with girls #1,3, and 6 receiving the best marks, while girl #5 actually also receives a bump in score, as I am covered in flowers that she through at me with a wink in a smile. Kissing up the the judge is always a good idea. Thatagirl. I take a quick glance at Paulina´s sheet to see if we have similar scores. She actually has girl #6, the most senior aged girl, in front but only by a small margin. I still think girls 1 and 3 are the best, but 6 is close behind. We are definitely in for a nailbiter ladies and gents.
The next interlude lasts about seventeen minutes too long. Even Paulina tell me that she feels sorry for the girls having to wait backstage. A group of five teenagers fill the stage with rock music. The drummer turns out to be someone who came to my class for one day. He give me a big wave and they go start going to town. The lead guitarist is actually phenomenal and the bass guitarist provides colorful commentary in between songs. They even invite up another one of their friends, a young heay set girl, to rock some vocals. Paulina and the counsulate ask me what the words mean of the English song they choose. I explain to them that the lyrics mean exactly what all the Spanish songs mean. They started with ¨I am a drunk,¨then, ¨Let´s get wasted, ¨(both in Spanish), ¨I´m an Addict (the English Song)¨, and close with ¨I´m Still Here Drunk and Crazy.¨Can´t believe their song choices at a high school pageant, but the people inj the back of the auditorium who can´t even stand up are loving it. Shatner comes on before their last song is even over. Despite calls for an encore Shatner moves the young group off the stage. No one doubts who the boss is. This is Shatner´show.
Thus we come to the big shebang. The final entrance adorned in a fine evening gown. I take another glance at my score sheet and see that I also have to grade the recorded message, and the answer to a random question administered by Shatner. Good thing I know Spanish.
All the girls look extremely pretty for the evening gown portion. Even Shatner starts insinuating that if he was just a little bit younger he would be striking gold. He even tells girl #3 that he is only seventeen years old when she says she is 15. Again the little voice in my head starts pounding away with the ¨Am I real?¨chant.
I grade the ¨Profoundness of the Message about your Highschool¨category pretty liberally. All the girls explain that they love being crafted into a whole woman rather than just one aspect. Suddenly the Reina competition is a sorority I love you fest.
The Shatner question session is the big time. 10 points for each response. The questions range from ¨What does being a Reina mean to you,¨to ¨What is the importance of family in your life.¨There are no questions or answers about World Peace. Lots of animals, flowers, and love though that´s for sure. Shatner banter with the girls before the questions almost give me a heart attack.
Thus we come to the conclusion of the show. I add up my scores and see that my scores are 25.5, 20, 25, 19, 21, and 24.5. Girl Number 1 takes first prize on my sheet, but only be a hair. I double check my answers. No messing up. Thus all three judges turn in their cards and we add up to see the final winner. Both Paulina and the Counsulate have girl number 6 with the win. Damn. I was hoping for the upset. Ladies and Gents we have a new Reina. Girl number 6. She deserves it. She is pretty and her answers were slightly better than the other candidates. Plus she is a senior. My dream of the young stud upsetting the senior stand by will not be realized. At least girls numbers 1 and 3 will get sashes as well- with number 1 receiving the Simpatica, and number 3 with the fraternidad.
Thus Paulina and I walk up the final score sheet to Shatner. He says thank you and we walk back to our seats, only to be called over again. Shatner doesn´t understand. We have a Reina, a Fraternidad, and a Simpatica, but no Amistad. No dummy Amistad is awarded by the girls. Miss Congeniality actually exists I explain to him. Thank you Sandra Bullock for allowing me to explain my expertise to Shatner. He looks puzzled, Paulina tells him that I am right and he then asks the girls who their choice is. They end up picking Miss Smiley, girl #2 and I am pumped. SHe actually completely bombed her anwer to Shatner´s question, stuttering and crying the whole time, but she now gets to go home with something. Girls number 1 and 3 seems pleased with their finishes. Shatner hams it up ridiculously for the final award. The place goes nuts and Number 6 starts crying. I wonder if there are any other stereotypes I have ever had about beauty pageants that might come to fruition. My head my explode.
My host parents tell me that I did a good job. I even dance the last dance with my winner, girl number 1, after some slime ball consulate grabs Paulina. She tells me that I am a bastard, but everyone ends up just watching me dance anyway because they are shocked to see a gigantic white guy spin, sashay, and twirl a 12 year old in an evening gown. We get a ridiculous applause after finishing the last dance and Paulina give me a big hug goodbye. I congratulate all the Reinas individually and they all thank me profusely. Still my head is pounding pounding away.
¨Did that really just happen to me?¨
One quick thing I forgot to add, and I am not really entirely sure how I forgot to add it. Before the whole competition started Shatner introduced each of the three judges. Thus he started off with the beautiful Reina de Ibarra who is known worldwide for making men crumble to their knees. Then the proud uncorrupt consulate of Ibarra who has dedicated years of his life to service or our great city. Then WorldTeach volunteer and English Professor Kane Russell. After each announcement the chosen person got to stand up and turn around to wave to the crowd. When Paulina got up everyone went nuts. The counsulate not so much. After announcing my name? Have you ever been in a room filled with girls waiting for a celebrity to enter and then he finally does? I would say I got a pretty equal reaction. Why? No clue. Probably because half of the people had never seen a white person before. Maybe the reaction was less akin to Brad Pitt walking into a room and more to do with a mouse streaking across the floor. Maybe it was both. Whatever the reason the ovation was extremely kind and as I waved and smiled I even got to see my face up on the big screen.
Ah the big screen live feed. Might have to say that it topped the list of why I found myself chuckling as I lay in bed to go to sleep. There is a columnist for ESPN who describes the ¨1-10 Unintentional Comedy Scale.¨Basically this scale describes events where people are trying to be serious, but end up creating high comedic moments. Shatner doing beauty contests probably comes in at a 5.5. A spanish speaking Shatner probably near a 6. The Unintentional Comedy Scale even has room for people who are trying to be funny, absolutely bomb, and because they bomb so bad somehow you can find humor in it. Chevy Chase´s performance at Princeton´s class day would be a phenom example. Anyway, the camera man filiming the live feed was jaw droppingly out of this world unintentionally funny. I´ll explain.
First was the look on his face. This gent was probably five foot five and normal looking by most Ecuadorian standards. However, when he was filming his face would transform into this look of ohmygod I am shooting Oscar winning cinemetography right now. One eye shut and toungue pierced in his mouth like Charlie Brown drawing a picture of the little red headed girl. Each time he would capture an image his body would transfix itself into a motionless freeze of capturing glory. He might as well have been having relations with Madonna. Secondly were the subjects that the guy captured. He probably spent over half the show panning the audience for hot girls. This intensive search usually found its way to the Reina of Ibarra. Once captured from afar (a shot that included old Kane chuckling like a little schoolboy as he took in these events), he would then pan in to get a close up shot. Slowly slowly he woudl drift right onto the girl´s face until he had the shot he wanted: a perfect glowing shot of every gland, pore, blackhead, nose hair, and eyeball sandman booger. Probably the most unflattering shot a girl could ever ask for. This guy made it a point to give people the high definition shot of hot chick´s imperfections. Plus he would leave the camera on their face about three minutes past the casual smile and laugh shot that people feel comfortable giving. Afterwards it was basically ¨oh man when is this guy going to move on. Hah this is uncomfortable. Wow dude holy crap get that thing away from my face.¨Thank god he had a thing for girls, and left us guys alone. I might have punched him in the teeth.
Back to the competition. The first girl to come out was a beautiful young girl, with a fresh face, and the best dance moves. Kind of felt that she didn´t command the room, didn´t hold her poses, and rushed her intro. Girl #2 is shy beyond belief, but makes nice attempts to smile at the audience. Girl #3 is the most beautiful-tall, curvy, skinny, full black hair, but does little to work the runway. Girl #4 has the least personality and looks the least happy to be at the contest. Gilr #5 has the most personality but lacks in outright drop dead gorgeous beauty. Girl #6 is taller than Shatner, skinny, but also shy. Did I really just write that last paragraph? What is a man to do? I ask Paulina what to grade them on. She reminds me to just do what they invited me for. Judge who is the prettiest girl. Again I ask myself if I am actually making all of this up. Thus after round one I give all the girls pretty equal scores, with girl #1, #3, and #6 reveiving the highest. After all if there is one thing I can definitely do, it´s decide if a girl is pretty or not.
After the opening entrance we bring out the mariachi´s. Nothing really extremely memorable, save for the fact that the guy on the left is as tall, and has a dead ringer haircut to be Frankenstein. Paulina asks me if I think they are good. I am honest and tell her that they are solid, but that I have heard better. They labor through a couple songs, and finish with a pretty dynamite closer. You got to love bands that warm up and get better as their set pushes through. Maybe they were going to open with Hips Don´t Lie, got flustered when they heard Shatner introduce the song, fought with each other to decide their new opening number, couldn´t decide, and thus had to scrap their whole routine for the closing number. Or something.
I take a quick glance at my scoresheet. Traditional dress is up next. Shatner looks pissed off. He hates the traditional dress part of the competition you can tell. However he fires everyone up about the mariachi trio and how they did such a great job of setting the mood for the traditional dress portion of the pageant. Girl #1 comes out after four minutes of Shatnerisms describing the beauty, tradition, and glory of Ibarra´s heritage. She is wearing a full green dress. She kind of reminds me of the Chakita banana lady. She is holding a fan that she works while jumping up and down like a girl in clogs. I instantly give her a 4. Excellent job. This round transpires similar to the first one with girls #1,3, and 6 receiving the best marks, while girl #5 actually also receives a bump in score, as I am covered in flowers that she through at me with a wink in a smile. Kissing up the the judge is always a good idea. Thatagirl. I take a quick glance at Paulina´s sheet to see if we have similar scores. She actually has girl #6, the most senior aged girl, in front but only by a small margin. I still think girls 1 and 3 are the best, but 6 is close behind. We are definitely in for a nailbiter ladies and gents.
The next interlude lasts about seventeen minutes too long. Even Paulina tell me that she feels sorry for the girls having to wait backstage. A group of five teenagers fill the stage with rock music. The drummer turns out to be someone who came to my class for one day. He give me a big wave and they go start going to town. The lead guitarist is actually phenomenal and the bass guitarist provides colorful commentary in between songs. They even invite up another one of their friends, a young heay set girl, to rock some vocals. Paulina and the counsulate ask me what the words mean of the English song they choose. I explain to them that the lyrics mean exactly what all the Spanish songs mean. They started with ¨I am a drunk,¨then, ¨Let´s get wasted, ¨(both in Spanish), ¨I´m an Addict (the English Song)¨, and close with ¨I´m Still Here Drunk and Crazy.¨Can´t believe their song choices at a high school pageant, but the people inj the back of the auditorium who can´t even stand up are loving it. Shatner comes on before their last song is even over. Despite calls for an encore Shatner moves the young group off the stage. No one doubts who the boss is. This is Shatner´show.
Thus we come to the big shebang. The final entrance adorned in a fine evening gown. I take another glance at my score sheet and see that I also have to grade the recorded message, and the answer to a random question administered by Shatner. Good thing I know Spanish.
All the girls look extremely pretty for the evening gown portion. Even Shatner starts insinuating that if he was just a little bit younger he would be striking gold. He even tells girl #3 that he is only seventeen years old when she says she is 15. Again the little voice in my head starts pounding away with the ¨Am I real?¨chant.
I grade the ¨Profoundness of the Message about your Highschool¨category pretty liberally. All the girls explain that they love being crafted into a whole woman rather than just one aspect. Suddenly the Reina competition is a sorority I love you fest.
The Shatner question session is the big time. 10 points for each response. The questions range from ¨What does being a Reina mean to you,¨to ¨What is the importance of family in your life.¨There are no questions or answers about World Peace. Lots of animals, flowers, and love though that´s for sure. Shatner banter with the girls before the questions almost give me a heart attack.
Thus we come to the conclusion of the show. I add up my scores and see that my scores are 25.5, 20, 25, 19, 21, and 24.5. Girl Number 1 takes first prize on my sheet, but only be a hair. I double check my answers. No messing up. Thus all three judges turn in their cards and we add up to see the final winner. Both Paulina and the Counsulate have girl number 6 with the win. Damn. I was hoping for the upset. Ladies and Gents we have a new Reina. Girl number 6. She deserves it. She is pretty and her answers were slightly better than the other candidates. Plus she is a senior. My dream of the young stud upsetting the senior stand by will not be realized. At least girls numbers 1 and 3 will get sashes as well- with number 1 receiving the Simpatica, and number 3 with the fraternidad.
Thus Paulina and I walk up the final score sheet to Shatner. He says thank you and we walk back to our seats, only to be called over again. Shatner doesn´t understand. We have a Reina, a Fraternidad, and a Simpatica, but no Amistad. No dummy Amistad is awarded by the girls. Miss Congeniality actually exists I explain to him. Thank you Sandra Bullock for allowing me to explain my expertise to Shatner. He looks puzzled, Paulina tells him that I am right and he then asks the girls who their choice is. They end up picking Miss Smiley, girl #2 and I am pumped. SHe actually completely bombed her anwer to Shatner´s question, stuttering and crying the whole time, but she now gets to go home with something. Girls number 1 and 3 seems pleased with their finishes. Shatner hams it up ridiculously for the final award. The place goes nuts and Number 6 starts crying. I wonder if there are any other stereotypes I have ever had about beauty pageants that might come to fruition. My head my explode.
My host parents tell me that I did a good job. I even dance the last dance with my winner, girl number 1, after some slime ball consulate grabs Paulina. She tells me that I am a bastard, but everyone ends up just watching me dance anyway because they are shocked to see a gigantic white guy spin, sashay, and twirl a 12 year old in an evening gown. We get a ridiculous applause after finishing the last dance and Paulina give me a big hug goodbye. I congratulate all the Reinas individually and they all thank me profusely. Still my head is pounding pounding away.
¨Did that really just happen to me?¨
posted by ecuadortraveler at 9:55 AM
2 Comments:
Hmmmm, The Brad Pitt Effect or The Mouse Effect?
I'm going with (a).
Kanedag, awesome. Awesome.
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