The Peytonios of the World
I love fantasy football. It's the coach in me.
I also love meeting Host Families. In fact, Host Families are probably my favorite aspect of being the director of my organization. Interacting with host families provides one of the most profound looks at the underside of the culture iceberg.
Now. Who would attempt to explain host family selection for volunteers, pretty much a complicated web of Arranged Marriages, using fantasy football?
Me. Allow me to explain.
Volunteers live with host families for an entire year. That's pretty intense. I think we can all agree that living with our own family for an entire year would provide some exciting fireworks. Thus imagine trying to live with complete strangers who speak a completely strange language for an entire year. How can one ever hope to succeed?
It all comes down to an ability to carefully pour over the scouting reports known as volunteer and host family profiles and choose a host family and volunteer that will gel together for a whole year. Sure it was tough to decide whether I should start Vince Young aginst the Jags in Week 1, but what would you do if Mr. Healthy Eating Hates Small Children had only two possible host families to be placed in: The We Eat Healthy Because We Have Small Children's or the Thank God Our Small Kids are Gone, Break Out the Potato Chips!'s. I mean if Vince Young plays bad in Week 1, I can lick my wounds and switch it up in Week 2, but Host Family Decisions last a whole year.
Obviously this is not a problem with the LT's of the Host Family Community. There are a couple of HF's (host families) in my organization's community who are absolutely money in the bank-perenial number one draft picks for the next 20 years. I mean you could pair these families with any volunteer on the planet and still come up with 100 yards and a touchdown average per week without a problem. These families are unbelievably kind and generous souls that truly value the benefits of intercultural exchanges. There is one host momma we have in Quito that invited me over to her house for one of the most delicious servings of Fritada ever, just because she heard I was new in town and new to the director position. She is actually a breast cancer survivor who claims that volunteers keep her motor running. The last volunteer who lived with her, one of my good buddies, commented that his host mother was the cheeriest breast cancer survivor in all of the world. She cooks unbelievably delicious food, lets volunteers stay out till 4 AM, is great teaching vols Spanish, and just makes people feel like Ecuador is not that far away from a real home. If this woman ever stops hosting volunteers (she has had already hosted like 20) her name should be retired in my organization's office on a glorious gold trophy emblazened with the letters M.V.H.M.E. (most valuable host mom ever). I might even go on a limb to say that calling her the L.T. of host mom's isn't fair, because her ability to cater to any volunteer on the planet giver her multiple position eligibility-a first for fantasy football. Let's just call her Peytonio Harrisomlinson.
The toughest thing about host families is September. In September I am confronted with the challenge of finding at least 40 different host families, because over 40 volunteers live in Quito during my organization's one month intensive training. It's the equivalent of having a twenty team fantasy football league. And, like fantasty football, the drop off is huge. I mean after the first twenty families or so we are in the clear, but then the chips start getting falling in an interesting way. After the Peytonios of the world we then have a host of differen class HF's. The first are the Trenstaverde Odsmithulpeppers of the world. These are the people that have had a history of success but can end up just skewering you due to inability to stay relevant. For example, we have a family that boasts a retired soap opera star and her loving husband. They have hosted probably a thousand volunteers. Their history is filled with ridiculous acolades of volunteers gushing and gushing. Though they are getting old-VERY old-they still look like a steal on waivers. So you send a volunteer and hope for the best. One last glorious season.
The comments I got back from the volutneers? "The house reeks of old people and I have actually never seen either of my host parents awake."
Brutal.
"With the 21st pick, Team Ecuador Director selects, Trent Green!"
It gets worse. Think of it as the last round of a twenty team draft. Everyone is off the board. People are picking guys just because they have extra apostrophes or monumentally overpowering sounds in their name. Something to the effect of, "Dude, let's take take D'Shaw'anta'e Dbrickemashawsky."
Thus I am on the clock. I have three scouting reports in front of me. I have one more volunteer to place. I examine the scouting reports like Mike Holmgren inspecting KFC's value meal menu.
Host Fam 1: "The host mom is a little crazy, some volunteers felt that she might be a stalker. She is an amazing cook though."
Host Fam 2: "This family is nice enough, but the host father is extremely racist. He also hits on everything that moves."
Host Fam 3:"This family is really fun, but they refuse to feed volunteers because they say that they don't want volunteers to get fat. "
I mean, brutal. What would you do? I think that at this point you gotta roll the dice with the most upside. I mean the volunteer I am going to place is very flexible. But he's a dude with a big appetite. Plus I am a person who like delicious food. You guessed it. Rolled the dice with the good cook and just prayed for the best.
Wow. When the family picked up the volunteers on the first day, the host mom brought a Russian man who only spoke broken English to the volunteers (volunteers go to host family houses to speak Spanish). They then told the volunteers that they were stupid for picking a hotel so far from major streets (uh oh). The next day the volunteers told me that they had an 8:30 PM curfew and that the host mom explained that she always was going to set an alarm that would send the volunteers to jail if they broke curfew. I have started a running back who posted a negative five yard day with two fumbles that were run back by the other team for touchdowns.
Missed it.
But you gotta move on. Win some lose some. I mean I drafted Lamont Jordan in the first round two years ago and still got second place. Sometimes you can just bounce back.
And that is exactly what I did this year. Ladies and gents, I pulled off one of the most ridiculous waiver wire claims of my lifetime. Facing unbearable circumstances, I got on the horn and just started calling everyone I could think of. And I finally found her. My Ryan Grant steal of a lifetime. Talking to this new host mom on the phone felt like being a part of the most wonderful moment in her day. Remarkable.
Needless to say I sent the troubled vol with the curfew to this new house with Ryan Grant. Don't even worry about it. "Best experience of my lifetime" said the volunteer.
Kanedogger is at the Twenty!, the Thirty! He! Might! GO...
All in a day's work for yours truly.
Cheers,
I also love meeting Host Families. In fact, Host Families are probably my favorite aspect of being the director of my organization. Interacting with host families provides one of the most profound looks at the underside of the culture iceberg.
Now. Who would attempt to explain host family selection for volunteers, pretty much a complicated web of Arranged Marriages, using fantasy football?
Me. Allow me to explain.
Volunteers live with host families for an entire year. That's pretty intense. I think we can all agree that living with our own family for an entire year would provide some exciting fireworks. Thus imagine trying to live with complete strangers who speak a completely strange language for an entire year. How can one ever hope to succeed?
It all comes down to an ability to carefully pour over the scouting reports known as volunteer and host family profiles and choose a host family and volunteer that will gel together for a whole year. Sure it was tough to decide whether I should start Vince Young aginst the Jags in Week 1, but what would you do if Mr. Healthy Eating Hates Small Children had only two possible host families to be placed in: The We Eat Healthy Because We Have Small Children's or the Thank God Our Small Kids are Gone, Break Out the Potato Chips!'s. I mean if Vince Young plays bad in Week 1, I can lick my wounds and switch it up in Week 2, but Host Family Decisions last a whole year.
Obviously this is not a problem with the LT's of the Host Family Community. There are a couple of HF's (host families) in my organization's community who are absolutely money in the bank-perenial number one draft picks for the next 20 years. I mean you could pair these families with any volunteer on the planet and still come up with 100 yards and a touchdown average per week without a problem. These families are unbelievably kind and generous souls that truly value the benefits of intercultural exchanges. There is one host momma we have in Quito that invited me over to her house for one of the most delicious servings of Fritada ever, just because she heard I was new in town and new to the director position. She is actually a breast cancer survivor who claims that volunteers keep her motor running. The last volunteer who lived with her, one of my good buddies, commented that his host mother was the cheeriest breast cancer survivor in all of the world. She cooks unbelievably delicious food, lets volunteers stay out till 4 AM, is great teaching vols Spanish, and just makes people feel like Ecuador is not that far away from a real home. If this woman ever stops hosting volunteers (she has had already hosted like 20) her name should be retired in my organization's office on a glorious gold trophy emblazened with the letters M.V.H.M.E. (most valuable host mom ever). I might even go on a limb to say that calling her the L.T. of host mom's isn't fair, because her ability to cater to any volunteer on the planet giver her multiple position eligibility-a first for fantasy football. Let's just call her Peytonio Harrisomlinson.
The toughest thing about host families is September. In September I am confronted with the challenge of finding at least 40 different host families, because over 40 volunteers live in Quito during my organization's one month intensive training. It's the equivalent of having a twenty team fantasy football league. And, like fantasty football, the drop off is huge. I mean after the first twenty families or so we are in the clear, but then the chips start getting falling in an interesting way. After the Peytonios of the world we then have a host of differen class HF's. The first are the Trenstaverde Odsmithulpeppers of the world. These are the people that have had a history of success but can end up just skewering you due to inability to stay relevant. For example, we have a family that boasts a retired soap opera star and her loving husband. They have hosted probably a thousand volunteers. Their history is filled with ridiculous acolades of volunteers gushing and gushing. Though they are getting old-VERY old-they still look like a steal on waivers. So you send a volunteer and hope for the best. One last glorious season.
The comments I got back from the volutneers? "The house reeks of old people and I have actually never seen either of my host parents awake."
Brutal.
"With the 21st pick, Team Ecuador Director selects, Trent Green!"
It gets worse. Think of it as the last round of a twenty team draft. Everyone is off the board. People are picking guys just because they have extra apostrophes or monumentally overpowering sounds in their name. Something to the effect of, "Dude, let's take take D'Shaw'anta'e Dbrickemashawsky."
Thus I am on the clock. I have three scouting reports in front of me. I have one more volunteer to place. I examine the scouting reports like Mike Holmgren inspecting KFC's value meal menu.
Host Fam 1: "The host mom is a little crazy, some volunteers felt that she might be a stalker. She is an amazing cook though."
Host Fam 2: "This family is nice enough, but the host father is extremely racist. He also hits on everything that moves."
Host Fam 3:"This family is really fun, but they refuse to feed volunteers because they say that they don't want volunteers to get fat. "
I mean, brutal. What would you do? I think that at this point you gotta roll the dice with the most upside. I mean the volunteer I am going to place is very flexible. But he's a dude with a big appetite. Plus I am a person who like delicious food. You guessed it. Rolled the dice with the good cook and just prayed for the best.
Wow. When the family picked up the volunteers on the first day, the host mom brought a Russian man who only spoke broken English to the volunteers (volunteers go to host family houses to speak Spanish). They then told the volunteers that they were stupid for picking a hotel so far from major streets (uh oh). The next day the volunteers told me that they had an 8:30 PM curfew and that the host mom explained that she always was going to set an alarm that would send the volunteers to jail if they broke curfew. I have started a running back who posted a negative five yard day with two fumbles that were run back by the other team for touchdowns.
Missed it.
But you gotta move on. Win some lose some. I mean I drafted Lamont Jordan in the first round two years ago and still got second place. Sometimes you can just bounce back.
And that is exactly what I did this year. Ladies and gents, I pulled off one of the most ridiculous waiver wire claims of my lifetime. Facing unbearable circumstances, I got on the horn and just started calling everyone I could think of. And I finally found her. My Ryan Grant steal of a lifetime. Talking to this new host mom on the phone felt like being a part of the most wonderful moment in her day. Remarkable.
Needless to say I sent the troubled vol with the curfew to this new house with Ryan Grant. Don't even worry about it. "Best experience of my lifetime" said the volunteer.
Kanedogger is at the Twenty!, the Thirty! He! Might! GO...
All in a day's work for yours truly.
Cheers,
posted by ecuadortraveler at 9:45 PM
1 Comments:
Dude, that was the funniest post I've ever read. I have no idea how you pulled that comparison off, but it was the most oddly cogent piece of writing I've seen in a great while.
I'm really glad that the Ecuador Traveler is back up and running.
By the way, did you happen to have any Tiki Barber/Brandon Jacobs host families? You know, there's one family that cooks and cleans and is a tremendous support system for the volunteer, however they don't get many accolades for their efforts. Then there are the next door neighbors who swoop in sporadically and take pictures with the volunteer and gladhand the unsuspecting American and take credit for his improved pronunciation and diction. Any of those?
Just wondering...
Keep up the good work buddy.
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