YinYang Holidays

Greetings everyone. I have been killing myself busy in the past couple of weeks, and thus have not been keeping up with my updates like I might want, but turns out I have to find a job for next year, plan activities for my students, and stay afloat in this crazy far off lan, which believe it or not takes up some serious time. Plus nobody in Ecuador has any clue what an application for a job entails. In fact when I told my host brother that I had to write essays to get a job he simply replied, ¨Man you gringos sure like to write essays.¨

Anyway, last week featured the double whammy holiday, where two holidays are separted by less than two weeks. The effect is overwhelming, but even more so when the holidays feature almost complete opposite celebratory moods. I´ll explain in another of my ¨I feel too exhausted to weave something coherent so I will just do the bullet point highlights¨ entries.

The first holiday is Valentine´s Day, or in Ecuador ¨Day of Friendship and Love.¨This is actually a tremendous holiday in South America. The highlights:

-This holiday is not nearly as sad as it is in the states. Everyone is border line giddy. Since Friendship takes more priority in Ecuador, people who do not have dates do not seem nearly as depressed. I don´t think I saw anybody cradling their copies of English Patient headed for their room with a box of tissues. I think this would actually be a welcome addition ot the US celebration. I am going to write Hallmark and have them change their V-Day propaganda from Cupid, Hearts, and Floofy Love you crapola to feature images of the some of the great relationships of all time: Cagney and Bogey, Thelma and Louise, Butch Cass and The Sundance Kid, Harry and Sally, and of course the people who legitmized the non homosexual man hug: Mav and Iceman. Why not celebrate every meaningful relationship in your life rather than just one made about two days prior in an awkward telephone call.

-That being said, the only time I have ever seen a restaurant packed in Ecuador is on Valentine´s Day. Due to the Catholic undertones of Ecuador´s social interactions, kids do not reveal any aspect of their love to their parents. It´s pretty creepy. I have several friends who have dated people for three years or more and their parents still think they are hang out to do homework together (my friends are all over 30).

-Ally and I organized a fun filled V-Day party at our school. We chose all the staple lawn games of the states: Egg Toss, the game where you spin around a bat and run around, chocolate coin hunt, and that weird gift exchange game where you can steal from people. Great times had by all, especially at the egg toss. If you are ever in a bad mood grab twenty friends and have an egg toss. Always provides at least three excellent laughs.

-The roses mean different things in Ecaudor, which I thought was cool. Red roses are for love, white roses are for hope, yellow roses are for good luck, and green roses are for happiness. In addition the flowers were EVERYWHERE. It was awesome. Everywhere you looked fresh flowers were being exchanged between people of all ages. Flowers of all colors. Absolutely phenom.

-My students bought me a basketball and a cactus for my gifts. I also went to a gathering with my morning students and ate one of the best hamburgers of my whole life. Three kinds of shredded meat, three kinds of cheese, avocado, delicious toasted bread, three sauces, diced french fries laced in the meat: I mean the hamburger to end all hamburgers in Ecuador. Go figure.

¨Thanks Yin. That was a terrific holiday. I had a blast. Now introduce me to your friend Yang. Oh right Yang is a complete jerk. ¨Yang, called Carnaval in Ecuador, is the holiday from the black lagoon. Basically everybody in Ecuador doesn´t work from Saturday to Tuesday night so that they can throw water balloons, eggs, flower, and food coloring at each other. Not even kidding. The highlights:

-The first day was awesome. Yippee let´s throw water balloons at everyone and get everybody and their mother completley dirty and drunk. Day 2 featured annoyed chuckles. Day 3 featured cold stares and bitterness. Day 4 murderous thoughts. I cannot believe that people think this is a fun activity for four days.

-NO ONE is spared. If you are in a formal tuxedo somebody is going to throw crap on you. From rooftops, sewage pipes, moving trucks, run by fruitings. There is absoltely no Escape.

-Being Goliath among Davids in a country where David has the courage of the lion from the Wizard of Oz is awesome. I thwarted about 70% of the attempts to bombard me with the Carnaval special (water, eggs, food coloring that smells like burned rubber called achiote) just by taking off my shirt, dawning some sun glasses, and doing my best Dirty Hairy ¨do you feel lucky punk¨evil stare.

-On the other hand being a woman, especially an attractive white woman, in a country of Machismo BS is miserable. For the entire four days all Ecuadorian feel that they have the right to make woman feel terrible. It´s absolutely miserable behavior. Even if women say, please dont I am not in the mood, they just get it worse. Some economist should do a study of Gringo living in South American country violent crimes during Carnaval. I have never been so pissed off in my life.

-Thank god for national pastimes. Since everyone in Ecuador grew up only knowing how to play sports with their feet, nobody really knows how to throw a water balloon. However, I grew up playing baseball and football, honing my pitching arm daily chucking nerf balls with my sisters. I wish I could have snapped a couple pictures of the look on Ecuadorian faces when they chucked a water balloon that meakly landed at my feet while I returned the favor with a Pedro Martinez fastball that promptly exploded all over their face. Payback can be a bitch.

-I went to a cock fight. Mildly anti-climactic from what I had heard prior to seeing one in person. Somebody told me that in the middle of the fight the trainers with try to resusitate their fighters putting the chicken heads in their mouths and hyperventilating furiously. However, in person the chickens basically just flap around and kick each other. After about five minutes they kind of get bored and then just walk around until the trainers kick them. Could have been a mediocre venue, but I just didn´t see the fun. When in Rome.

-We traveled to Vilcabamba, which is an 18 hour bus ride one way from Ibarra. I hate bus rides, but we had to travel to Ecuador´s own fountain of youth. Apparently people in Vilcabamba live to be 80 minimum, and one or two people are reputed to be over 125 years old. They say it´s the water. I say that it´s because nobody in the town does anything. However, that didn´t stop me from promptly chugging Vilcagua the entire time I was down there, but I guess we won´t see the results until I live past the century mark.

-We randomly met some other graduates from The D that live and work in Ecuador. How cool is that?

That about does it. Thanks for reading.

-Kanedog

ScAmOsHiT

TRIVIA QUESTION: What do Leno, Letterman, Stewart, and The EcuadorTraveler all have in common?

All of the above Social Reporters have featured guest speakers. That´s correct loyal readers, a first on the EcuadorTraveler Blog, today´s entry features a special guest writer: The Commentator, who has been exploring the great country of Argentina. Enjoy. Stay tuned next week for the EcuadorTraveler´s take on Valentine´s Day and Carnaval in Ecuador.

OK, picture our turista couple walking along by the old English clock tower that reminds everyone of the Falulkand Islands fiasco in which the Argentine military attacked the English-held islands and then realized that their bullets didn’t match their ammunition. This and other stuff like no food for the soldiers led to a fiasco in which the Argentines were utterly humiliated. I say this both as a historical note and as a possible explanation for what happened next.

I am dressed in my uniform of dark brown short and cargo shorts. Mombo is in a bright yellow top with tan shorts. We´re walking towards the aforesaid clock tower (which is locked, who knows why) when out of the sky comes a shower of dark brown, bad-smelling stuff that can only be birdshit ¿¿¿???. First thing you do is look up into the sky and there are trees all over the place, so, yeah, it must be some crafty Argentine bird bombing away on the American touristas.

American touristas being nothing if not somewhat fastidious about bird shit covering their clothes, a period of consternation ensues, followed by a desire to find some agua to deal with the mess. But where are you going to find agua by the locked clock tower? Worry not, here comes an old lady with a half-consumed bottle of water. Not only that, but here she comes with that agua as she oh so sympathetically commiserates with you about the state of your clothes and actually offers to wipe this shit off before it dries¡ What kindness to a poor shit-covered tourista – clearly these Argentines have gotten over the Faulklands fiasco and it´s a brand new ball game.

The woman with the water bottle has a compadre with her, a dude who I never saw but who Mombo got a good look at, and sure enough he´s there to help, too. This is amazing grace, for sure. So now there’s some gentle wiping of the shit-covered skin, which is welcome indeed. At this point Mombo is ready to get out of here, as the hotel is just 2 blocks away and her yellow top is not looking too good at all. But these kindly Argentinians are not stopping with just the skin, they are actually going to do the clothing for us, too. Wow. So the lady gets behind me and starts wiping the shit from the top town. As I said my top was dark brown, so it´s in decent shape, but those light cargo pants are a wreck. So she´s really working on those, patting them down and dabbing as she goes. At this point a tiny thought crosses my mind that she’s patting like mad on the outside of the pocket containing my wallet (which, being the careful tourista I am, I had in my inside pocket and not in the back one), but what the heck, the wallet ain´t going nowhere so no hay problema here.

OK, that’s enough of this wiping, this is getting embarrassing. Muchisima gracias for your kindliness to these unfortunate touristas, we´re headed back to the hotel, hasta la vista. Mombo says the guy now seems somewhat sad, but hey who wouldn´t be after being such a good Samaritan on such a dirty job.

Hallelujah, there’s our hotel now. But it´s so hot, how about a quick stop for a cold water and while we´re at it, let´s get a bottle of wine to chill. That will cost about 20 pesos, what a deal Argentina is¡ Out comes the wallet, just pull out the 20-peso note.

Hold it. No bills in the wallet.

Scam. O shit.

Scam o shit.

(The good news: I only had one hundred in my wallet because just that morning I´d put everything in the safe and it was Sunday so there was no place to cash anything. And we´d just been shopping a little so we used all but $50 US of our pesos. That´s the least amount of money I´ve had in my wallet for as long as I can remember. That must be why the guy seemed so sad.)

Vivir e aprender.

Thanks again to the Commentator.

Cumpleanos Feliz

Right. So the maricachi´s show up. At 7 in the morning. The normal troop is decked out in blue matador garb. The singers, however have dawned different outfits to celebrate the occasions. The old school Ray Charles imperonator has a purple matador outfil replete with frillies, and the young Enrique Iglesias sans face mole has chosen to go with the purple ensemble.

Thus the mayor and his enterprise of followers all form a half circle in the yard as if they had been practicing for the last six days. I get signaled over to stand next to the director of my school, at the far end of the half circle, almost out of view. I am the least important person as this party clearly. Thus the mariachi´s bust out some hits, and I got to admit they are pretty good. Ray Charles takes all of the old school ballads, while Enrique chimes in to add that extra modern flavor. Then Enrique starts the ¨I am going to start clapping, so you all follow suit¨routine WITH THE MAYOR AND HIS CABINET. ¨

Here´s me: ¨Are you out of your mind Enrique? This works with third graders, but as soon as you hit fifth grade the clapping has got to go. ESPECIALLY at 7 in the morning. I mean you have a shot if the mayor and his boys spent the past night boozing so hard that they woke up intoxicated, but c´mon.¨

Here´s the mayor: (Clap Clap Clap Clap)

Here´s me: (Clap Clap Clap Clap) Again I take a quick check over my shoulder to see the candid camera guy laughing hysterically. No dice, but I do manage to see THE WHITE GIRLS! YIPPEEE we´re saved.

As soon as the white girls arrive about six men all simultaneously leave their place in the half circle to escort the white girls directly next to the mayor, and, get this, they ask his wife to sidestep so that the whities can be next to the mayor. (don´t forget everyone is still clap clap clapping). The mariachi´s are pumped that the gringas are in the house and their entrance also moves me to the far end of the half circle. I pretty much should sit down, or grab a soccer ball and run front and center to snap the team photo.

We listen to a couple more numbers and finally get to sit down under a delightful little canopy that has been prepared in honor of the mayor´s breakfast. The Gringas get to sit next to the mayor. I get to sit at a place without silverware. Great.

Nevertheless the mayor finally acknowledges my existence and welcomes me to the table. Another person gets up and gives a nice toast about being in nature and how great the mayor is. I drink about ten million glasses of delicious juice. We eat empanadas. The mayor gives his toast and then leaves to go drink beers and attend a soccer game in Quito.

It´s 8:15 in the morning. I have been awake for almost two hours. Wonder what they´re going to do for my birthday?

Casual Breakfast

If you´ve read my earlier blog about the reina pageant, then you know how sometimes being in this country feels like someone has a camera on you secretly at all times, and they are just waiting for the perfect time to jump out and laugh hyserically at the circumstances that you are faced with. Thus last Tuesday morning, I had one of the most hysterical ¨you´re on candid camera¨moments to date. On Tuesday, at 7:00 AM, I was invited to the mayor of Ibarra´s birthday breakfast.

Seriously. Not even kidding one bit. Basically my school is owned by the city government, and it actually is one of the nicest plots of land in the entire city. Tucked into the shoulder of the mountain, my school boasts ogtagonal buildings, a beautiful garden type landscape, and a gorgeous view of the surrounding mountains. Could you think of a better place for a Tuesday morning 7AM reunion? Me neither.

Peeling my face off my pillow has been intense the past couple of weeks. I seem to be in my middle of New Hampshire winter slump even though it´s 90 degrees outside. Funny how your body just has cycles. Anyway I finally managed to wedge a spatula under my head at 6:30 so that I could make the 7:15 start time for the mayor´s breakfast. One of the interesting things about Ecuador is that you NEVER know what to expect. Thus I flipped a coin to decide between suit and time versus business casual. The back of my Sacagawea dollar said business cas so I threw on some khakies, a collared shirt and headed out.

I arrived to my school just in time to help set up the tent that would be set out on the lawn. After some quick finishing touches to my teaching plan, I sat and waited for the mayor to show up. He strolled in at 7:17, about sixty minutes early Ecuador Time, along with his entire cabinet.

These guys are pretty much the exact replica of a fraternity. In fact I wouldn´t be suprised if the last mayor sent the boys through hell week before turning the government over to them. They all have enough gel in the hair to stiffen a wet pasta noodle. Half of them wear gigantic, I am on the set of a 1980´s Miami drug movie, sunglasses (PS said glasses are not removed during breakfast). They all are decked out in pin stripe matching suits and exchange inside joke half grunts to resounding laughs from everyone else. The Ecuadorian Resovoir dogs and the white boy. Awesome.

Once the entire 15 person crew is on the grounds, they proceed to form a half circle on the lawn. I have immediately been sent to the movie set of West Side Story. Pretty soon one of them is going to frolic performing Michael Jackson Beat knife stabs. As I am admiring the absurdity of what is before my eyes, the ¨party planner¨starts jabbing me in the ribs.

The white girls have not yet arrived. Both the director of my program and Ally were scheduled to attend the breakfast as well. However, it was 7:30 and neither of them had showed up. People are mad and have no one to blame except the male speices, especially that of the blanco variety.

This reality is one of the most disturbing aspects of my Ecuadorian experience. Ecuadorian males could care less about spending time with a white male, unless he can bring them closer to white females. I have never really had problems making friendships with guys, as I can verse in the Big Three (sports, drinking, chicks) with the best of them. However, for Ecuador males, my only interesting aspect is my ability to connect people with white chicks. Thus almost every single one of my Ecuadorian friends is a female, which makes for exciting conversation about the Big One and a Half (hair\nails, boys). Such is the life we lead.

Anyway, I explained to the planner that I didn´t know where the chicks were, and then looked over my shoulder at my savior. Nope not the ladies, but a ten member mariachi band.

Stay Tuned.

Beach Buzz: Surfs Up

Welcome to the last chapter of the ¨Beach Buzz¨series. If you are tired of reading about the beach in Ecuador then please accept my apologies. In other news I kept wondering why ¨Beach Buzz¨sounded like a good title, and finally found the answer. Did you?¨Beach Buzz¨rhymes with ¨Peach Fuzz.¨Caution: Genious at work. Back to you Paula.

Wow. Did you ever wake up in kind of a weird mood? Maybe it´s because the Super Bowl is tomorrow and nobody has any inkling about the words ¨touchdown, quarterback, or media day.¨I think I am going to have to make the trip to Quito tomorrow in a desperate search for a place to watch the game. After living in Chicago for a summer, checking out soldier field in person, and being invited to the Bears´first home game this season, you can bet your bottom dollar that I will be decked out in George Halas Dark Blue this sunday. I keep having visions of Rex Grossman wearing dark blueblocker aviator sunglasses and a bandana trying his best to do the shuffle and can´t help but giggle inside.

Back to the beach. After our trip to Puerto Rico we hopped on a bus heading south for the hour long trip to a place called Montanita-Ecuador´s surfing capital. I absolutely love visiting new places, as you never really can have any sort of image of what the place will look like, but I will try to give you a picture anyway: Montanita is one part hollywood, one part 8 Mile, one part Kansas, and one part Half Moon Bay. Allow me to explain:

Hollywood: I have never been to a place that looked more like a movie set in a my life. In the center of town all of the bars, hotels, restaurants, and shops look like you could just tip them over, as they all just form part of an old west movie shoot. I kept finding myself recalling that scene from the Michael Jackson movie ¨Moonwalker¨when Michael is running around that Hollywood movie set trying to escape those fat twins riding with Micky Mouse hats on tricycles. On top of the buildings, random people pass in front of you doing strange actions, and then disappear only to be replaced by new randoms. It´s almost as if someone is backstage saying, ¨All right cue the Fire Swallower¨and then the Fire Swallower appears for his ten minute stint only to be replaced by that unicyclist. Absolutely one of the oddest, most exciting places I have ever been to. In fact, now that I think about it, watch the scene from Yellow Submarine when the Beatles are in that hallway and bizarre objects come pouring out of different doors only for a split second. Ladies and Gents Montanita, Ecuador.

8 Mile: Montanita is split, almost completely down the middle, into two disparate places. The first is the hollywood movie set. People from all over the world run around the streets enjoying beautiful weather and gorgeous beach. On the other side of the bridge, however, is one of the poorest, most down trodden communities I have seen to date. If you ever travel to such a place, make sure you go to the bars, clubs, or restaurants owned by the locals. What happened in Montanita is that none of the locals could afford to finance a good club or bar, and got stuck on the outside looking in while people from Chile, Columbia, and Spain came in setting up shop recognizing the beauty of the location.

Kansas: I have never seen a flatter beach in my whole life. You could pretty much place an entire football field on the beach without a problem. Unreal.

Half Moon Bay: Two reasons. The first is that the atmosphere in Montanita is serenly laid back. Everyone just lives life from paycheck to paycheck, never takes off their swimsuit, and frequently says such brilliances as ¨Yeah man,¨¨Dude,¨or ¨Totally.¨I loved it. Ecuador meet the LG. Secondly, as stated earlier, Montanita is home to Ecuador´s finest surfing beach, and thus Kanedogger the Ecuador Traveler got to ride his first couple of waves.

As I see it there are two types of beach people: Type 1 beach people are perfectly content to relax, sunbathe, and read all day at the beach. As long as they have a towel, sun, sunblock, and a book, they could literally marinate for days without moving, save for a casual dip to cool off. I am NOT one of these people. The only time I ever laid out on a beach for an extended period of time without moving was the day after a night spent in Cocunut Grove where my three best buddies and I couldn´t afford a hotel, and thus decided to sleep on top of our car in a Parking Garage.

Therefore I feel I confidently fit into Beach People Type 2. The Type 2ers go to the beach to run around and do something. Whether it be volleyball, soccer, swimming, body surfing, or that football game where you ¨interrupt¨the sunbathing of all of the attractive women, I love being active at the beach. And, after my trip to Montanita, there might be no better way to stay active at the beach than to hope in the ocean with a surfboard and swallow salt water for three hours. It´s a ridiculously awesome sport, and I am giddy at the thought of going again during my next trip to the coast.

One final observation. After surfing, a three hour bus ride to Guayaquil, and a 9AM class the next day, I decided to board my first Ecuadorian airline flight. The result? I rediscovered why flying as invented in the first place. Here´s how flying works in Ecuador:

I arrived at the Guayaquil airport at 4:25 without a reservation, ticket, or any idea of when a plane would be leaving. I bought my ticket, checked my bag, passed through security, went to the bathroom, and bought a refreshment by 4:50. I was on the plane by 5:15. After a delicious juice and small chicken sandwich I was in Quito at 5:45. I was out of the Quito airport, bag in hand, by 6:00. Would have taken probably 10 hours by bus. Total cost? Less than 50 dollars.

My trip on the airplane was SPECTACULAR. I cannot even describe my state of elation at the ease, convenience, and pleasure of my airplane trip. The only thing I can think of is that Ecuadorian planes are only used by people who have a strong state of financial security. Everyone was dressed to the nines and nobody eyed anybody else trying to steal something. Nobody tried to sell me anything. Nobody tried to take advantage of me. What it comes down to is that no matter where you are, whether it be the US or Ecuador, the upper echelon of amenities will be similar experiences. Quito´s nicest hotels are just as nice as the US´s nicest hotels. The difference between the two places is that adherence to Social Norms, Laws, and Behavior Patterns drops much more severely between Economic classes in Ecuador than it does in the US. In Ecuador the middle class does not conduct itself with the same amount of social respect as the US´s middle class. The reason for this could be any number of things, but maybe just maybe, this is where the strength of a capitalist exists. I think that the US´s middle class is much more secure in the idea that lawful action will lead to success much more than Ecuador´s middle class. Government stability also probably has a lot to do with it.

I am rambling. Go watch football.