Bichos

DISCLAIMER: (Please excuse the graphic nature of this entry, but I was sick this past week and feel the need to explain.)

I am not sure if I mentioned this already but during the first week of orientation here in Ecuador we had a doctor speak to us for about two hours about the ins and outs of living healthy in Ecuador. The presenation was actually very informative, with power point and everything, but one specific factor of her presentation stood out as creatively funny. After showing numerous slides on Malaria, Dengue Fever, and washing vegetables, all decorated with insightful information and creative drawings, she finished with one final slide. The title of the slide said, ¨Bowel Problems¨and the body of the slide said ¨You´re going to have them.¨No frills, no fuss, just cold hard reality.

We later got to see poloroids of various volunteers holding up eight inch night crawlers that they had miraculously sent on an all-expense paid trip through the theme park ¨MY INTESTINAL TRACK! FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY,¨but the bowel slide stuck with me. What would these movements be like? Should I eat poisoned food just to see the outcome, or should I wait it out and see what could manage to hit me on its own?

I decided to go with option B, thinking that such an experience might prove to be more authentic. I figured that if 60 year old Sly Stallone could take real punches, I might as well go with the more realistic approach as well. Luckily for me the real thing didn´t show up until about three days ago, but let me assure you, it was well worth the wait.

Allow me to clarify quickly: Unfortunately in Ecuador a person possessing ¨Regular Bowel Movements¨is about as common as a person not having a love crush on Shakira. I mean every time you pass something relatively solid, one feels the need to stand up on the toilet seat to give you intestines a voracious round of applause. It´s just the reality of living in a place where many crops are fertizlied with, shall we say ´rhymes with key-cal´ matter. No one gets paralzyed for three days by irregular bowel movements.

However, Irregularity´s angry step-mother, ¨bichos,¨is a totally different story. Bichos is the step mother from hell. In English, ¨Bichos¨literally means bacterial infection. What it should mean is, ¨!"·$%&/((%"·$%&/"%&/(.¨Here´s the basic rundown:

- Tuesday 9:00PM: Come home from a long day of work. Sit down to a delicious dinner of ¨Tortilla Espanola¨-basically a meat and egg omelet.

Note: (Looking back now, I remember thinking that the omelet tasted a little weird. It was basically the exact same feeling I got watching Luke and Layla´s weird romantic tension in the first couple of StarWars. You knew something was up, but couldn´t quite put your finger on it)

-Tuesday 10:45 PM: While watching television my stomach starts doing the water cooler impression-the tell tale bichos sign. It was like someone had opened a bottle of beer in my stomach. I shrug it off as ¨irregularities¨, but start to get slightly worried.

-Tuesday 11:30: I got to bed, hoping for some safety in unconciousness.

-Tuesday 11:30-Wednesday 4:00AM Unbearable tossing and turning of half sleep and half awake misery. I feel like if a leaf fell on me I would be crushed to a pitiful pulp.

Wednesday 4:00Am: Thanks to college, I have a pretty strong stomach. In fact I haven´t involuntarily heave-hoed since I got here, and knew that I probably wouldn´t unless I took matters into my own hands. Since my stomach was going absolutely nuts, I felt I only had one option: pull-o el trigger-o.

Wednesday 4:15AM-Present: Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be RIDICULOUSLY out of shape? Well that´s been my last couple of days. Standing up invokes vigorous sweating, a sharp heart rate increase, and a rapid breathing rate. I have the scrumdiddlyumptious taste of bile in my mouth all the time. If I eat a crumb of bread I feel disgustingly full. Going to the bathroom is just a complete mission. I have about as much control over my stomach and intestines as Rick Vaugn without glasses has over his fastball. It´s just absolutely brutal. Luckily today I was able to walk to work (a 25 minute trip that usually takes 10-I had to take some rest stops), and I really feel that I am on the homestretch to beating the bichos. My host mom even made me chicken noodle soup that I was able to wolf down normally. Hooray for me!

Couple things: First off is that someone with drawing skills needs to sketch a FarSide comic about Bichos. You could basically have a Gringo chowing down food from a bowl at a breakfast nook table. The only other thing on the table would be a box of cereal that said, ¨Bich-OS!¨In the back, carefully hidden, would be an Ecuadorian host mother with a sneer on her face. The caption would be something like ¨Unbenownst to Little Johnny Smith, Host Mother Rita has had enough of his evil white person antics.¨Also when I get back to the states I am going to take every single anti-parasite medicine on planet earth. Anybody know any good brands?

Hope nobody else is sick,
Kanedogger

Ecuadorian BBALL

I am going to try a like/dislike column here about Ecuadorian Basketball a la oneof those cheezy best and worst lists. Here it goes.

1) I like that Ecuadorian basketball is up tempo because that means more running and thus more exercise, which is why I play basketball in the first place but....I don´t like that this gives the guys on my team cart blanche to chuck basketballs all over the gym like we are having tryouts for who can turn the ball over the most number of times in the least number of minutes.

2) I like that playing zone defense.....wait I HATE playing zone defense. The only time it was ever fun was last year in the Town School tournament when the 1996´ers miraculously switched to a zone to stifle the 1999´ers. But when you play zone on principle it´s just boring. I would much rather match up with one guy and go toe to toe with him for two hours.

3) I like that there are refs at the games so that you don´t have the inevitable MarinaCourtsBasketball yelling match every five minutes but..... I don´t like that said refs apply a ridiculous Gringo tax to every single game. It´s absolutely unreal. If I am going up for a shot and I get absolutely mugged NO problem. However if an TeenyWeeny is attempting a shot and I am within the same time zone I will be sure to get whistled for a foul. Plus the refs have an unbelieveable obsession with calling walking, because they have never seen long legs before. Yes Mr Ref it´s possible to get to the free throw line in two steps when you are taller than 5 foot 7. It´s just a fact of life. For those of you who have seen my College Lacrosse coach get mad you would know that the reffing in Ecuador would cause him to kick the box cone about seven thousand times per minute.

4) I like that we play indoors in a ¨Coliseo.¨It´s very important sounding and it´s always easier to shoot indoors but.... I don´t like that the indoor court we play on has a key the size of the Pacific Ocean. Last night I got called for a three second violation while lining up for a three pointer. Brutal.

5) I like that Ecuadorians love offense because it makes the game more exciting but.... I don´t like that this offense only applies to the person who has the ball. One of the most fun parts about basketball is creating shots for your teammates and this just isn´t a reality on the Ecuadorian hardwood.

6) I like that stereotype Ecuadorian hoopsters have stereotypical Gringo counterparts. Last night we played against good tall athlete who has no clue how to shoot a free throw and inevitably hurls the ball against the backboard as hard as he can, old sweaty man who is all about the fundamentals, fat man who is only onthe team because he likes to drink beer after the game, young guy who tries exceedingly hard to hustle to impress his old man, uncoordinated guy with ugly shooting form that somehow finds a way to make every shot he takes, and weird looking smelly guy that gets open shots because everyone is afraid they might get fleas. Can´t say there is anything I don´t like about old man all star YMCA basketball players except for the fact that I will inevitably turn into Backsweat sound fundamentals guy when I can no longer run.

7) I like that we have a good team and that we have fun playing together but....I don´t like that the people in charge of the league are trying to ensure that we cannot play together in the next round because we have foreigners. Apparently a lot of people resent the fact that white guys can play basketball but their argument is ridiculous. I pay taxes in this country, receive mail, and have an address. Plus Colombians and Peruvians play in the soccer leagues. Plus there are white people who play in the University Leagues. Couldn´t be dumber. We´ll see what happens.

8) I like basketball, but I am finally developing an appreciation for Lacrosse again. I definitely miss it, and when I get back to the states am definitely going to fire up club ball for sure.

Sorry for the technical basketball entry without much else, but I am pretty tied up during the day with other boring committments. You can always ask the WhiskeyBowler to translate any references you don´t understand. Thanks for reading.

-kanetrain

Opening Day

Greetings from the Equator. Life is good. I got an email from my one of my best friends on the planet and he got into Vet School. Ally and my sisters have all gotten into fantastic Law Schools. My sister said it´s snowing in New York and today the weather is 75 degrees and sunny in Ibarra. Plus, as mentioned earlier, I have only 8 more classes to teach for the rest of my lifetime, as my program recently asked me to be one of its directors. Yes that´s correct Damas and Gents, the EcuadorTraveler is moving to Quito in about two weeks to run an international non-profit organization. An added bonus is that my monthly salary will increase from 500 percent from 200 bucks to almost 1000. I wonder what the Ecuadorian equivalent of DisneyLand is because I should definitely go.

Q: Wow Kane. That´s all great news. So what have you been doing in your free time?
A: Worrying about graduate school and frantically reviewing all of the math I ever learned.
Q: Heck of a way to celebrate good news. You are a complete loser. I mean isn´t there anything fun you have been up to?
A: (Slight grin. Slowly widens). Well now that you mention it.....Have you ever heard of the basketball team ¨Las Estrellas?¨
Q: ?
A: Allow me to explain:

Last night was the kick off game to the ¨winter¨club basketball tournaments in Ecuador. Las Estrellas is a team from San Antonio in the province of Imbabura. Here is their starting line-up:

Small Old Guy: Decent skills, but tires quickly. Backsweat rating about a 570000 out of 100.

Young Guy: Runs well and plays an up tempo style. For some reason feels the need to chuck the basketball sixty feet after every rebound in an effort to start a fastbreak. However Young Guy has a worse sense of who is on his team than Brett Favre from last year. Sure he´ll throw a couple bombs that might create one or two opportunities a game, but that doesn´t nearly make up for the fact that the other team is getting a free possession almost 75% of the time ¨El Hurler the Ball-o into Oblivion-o¨strikes after a rebound. Also has zero clue how to box out.

Peter: African-Ecuadorian who can jump out of the gym. Unreal athlete. SouthPaw. Easily frustrated and complains a lot.

Good Buddy from San Antonio: Great athlete who loves running. Vehemently hated GM for signing Foreigners.

White Dude: (Me). Large, large man.

We also have another white guy on our team who is one of those gazelle type athletes. Thus we are basically an unstoppable juggernaut and last night we had our first game. Here´s the rundown:

6:45: White guys show up at the gym for the 7:00 game, as white people show up early to sporting events to warm up. However, no Ecuadorian is in sight.

7:00: The rest of the Estrellas team shows up ready to play. Other team is no where to be found.

7:05: The members of Team Las Estrellas plays a pick up game of 3 on 3. Other team nowhere to be found.

7:20: 3 on 3 finishes. Other team still not in the gym. Las Estrellas plays another game of 3 on 3.

7:45: Other team shows up. 3 on 3 game 2 finishes.

8:00: Game starts.

9:30: Other teams loses. By a lot.

We got our second round game tonight. I will try to post un update tomorrow about the finer points of Ecuadorian basketball.

Hope everyone is well and congrats again to all who are receiving good news.

-KaneTrain

The Traveler´s Guide to the Galapagos

Think about the number 42 real hard. Do you see the magical properties that are thus contained within? Do you see how to Hitchike the galaxy? We don´t either. In fact the only thing we can think of is that 42 is the atomic number of molybdenum, and since you cannot hitchike to the Galapagos Islands, We are going to provide an in-depth guide on how to survive in one of the world´s truly unique places.

Located about 650 miles off the western coast of Ecuador, the Galapagos Islands are most famous for their connection to the famous Charles Darwin. Around the middle of the 19th century Darwin embarked on a boat called the Beagle to investigate the flora and fauna of planet earth. He stumbled upon the Galapagos Islands and about 40 years later penned a little novela some call the ¨Origin of Spieces.¨ Whether or not you think females have spawned from rib bones, microbes, or extraterrestrials, you have to admit that Darwin´s book has made an impact on modern thought. Regardless, Darwin´s thought process stemmed from observing the 12 or so spieces of Finches endemic to the islands. Darwin noticed that many of the Finches had adapted peculiarities in their beaks, which seemed to be the result of a slowly changing biological process.

Interesting stuff huh? Well now that you have the background you are probably all set to go-

Holdahn. Holdahn. The name of the hurricane is ¨Hurricane Galapagos¨, and thus you cannot embark before understanding the following survival tips:

1) Your naturalist will be just like every other naturalist: bare footed, tree hugging, and will never permit you to stray ¨away from the path. ¨ If you stray from the path you will be castigated with a firm verbal warning. The naturalist also might make you stay on the boat, but that doesn´t mean you cannot kick the naturalist´s behind from here to next Sunday in a boxing match*

2)Don´t expect to see any finches. You might see only two if you follow the national park rules, but don´t fret. Darwin was a truant that ¨strayed from the path.¨Evolution is a screwed up theory anyway.**

3) Don´t forget to bring construction paper, crayons, and glue because you are going to be ¨making a snorkeling activity¨many times during your trip.***

4) Bring your camera because you are going to see tons of boobies. The Galapagos has more boobies than every strip club in Las Vegas. Combined. In fact, after sailing the Galapagos make sure to buy your t-shirts that display such gems as, ¨Galapagos: I love boobies¨, ¨Galapagos: I want to see big boobies¨, and ¨Get your boobies Galapagos style.¨****

5) Under water Sea Lions are show offs who think they are really cool. Show´em who´s boss by running around on land, sticking out your toungue, and yelling ¨Nanna-nanna-boo-boo.¨*****

6) Galapagos is actually a French Word that means, ¨Watch animals have sex.¨ Don´t forget to bring your ID that says you are over 17 years old so that you can be permitted to enter the national park.******

7) Beware the dreaded onset of ¨Camerenis envy.¨To avoid such a ghastly outcome be sure to caress your camera constantly. Hold it lovingly. Buy it a case that is much too big for its size. If all else fails, don´t forget to remind you camera that, ¨It´s not the size of the ship, but the notion of shutter motion.¨*******

8) The Galapagos food is absolutely delicious. Make sure you bring a hearty appetite!********

9) The snorkeling and hiking you will do in the Galapagos is absolutely spectacular. You will not believe the things you see and do, and how happy you will be that you went. *********

*Note: (Unbelievable how some professions attract certain types of people).

**Note: (Darwin couldn´t have chosen a harder bird to find. I literally saw two on my whole trip and only for a fleeting second. Very strange).

***Note: (You can probably imagine the difficulty of learning a language where the verb ¨hacer¨ has exactly two translations: ¨To Make¨ and ¨To Do.¨ About a month ago a student was excited to ¨do his new friends¨ when he moved south to start his studies at the University).

****Note: (Some rocket scientist decided to name one of the Galapagos´s endemic bird speices the ¨boobie.¨ Galapagos Boobies have electric blue floppy feet and are everywhere)

*****Note: (Swimming with sea lions is one of the coolest things I have ever done. They are incredible in the water with their acrobatics and skills. Above all else they playful. They chase you around under water, chew on your flippers and everything. It was AWESOME. However, on land sea lions are a completely different story. They either sleep or waddle around like someone who is so comfortable that they want to make only the minimum effort to belly slide across the floor to get the remote control and change the channel).

******Note: (It´s incredible how close you can get to the animals. Since they haven´t had predators for all of eternity they literally do not care if you get up two inches away from their face to take their picture. It´s absolutely stunning. On top of that they engage in every normal activity that becomes people completely comfortable in their environment. I saw boobies and later penguins having sex. I also witnessed an iguana and later a turtle rip enormously loud farts. I even had the pleasure of seeing a penguin poop on a person´s head who was getting a little too close for their perfect close up).

*******Note: (You cannot believe the things that some people trek around the Galapagos Islands. I had a decent CoolPix digi cam, and felt like a total wus. People shlepped around entire camera set-ups: tripods, extra lenses, video cameras, those weird aluminum discs to get the perfect lighting. Absolutely hilarious. In fact if an animal from the Galapagos would only recognize a person outside of the Islands if that person was standing in the street and an entire RadioShack fell on their head).

********Note: (Bring lots of toilet paper).

*********Note: (Pretty much perfectly said. It´s truly an amazing place).

This Just In.....

The EcuadorTraveler is heading to the Galapagos Islands on a last minute deal that saved him over a thousand bucks. Update to come next Monday or Tuesday. Also I just got promoted. Looks like I am staying here another year. Stay tuned.........